Reality check... my knees are in worse shape than I thought initially.My guess, another strained meniscus. No more running. No more biking. And it's April, the time of year when athletic types are out there building muscles and endurance for a racing season up ahead.And I can't.It's been super hard. Let's just say having to let go of something for a time is just hard. It made Holy week more special, more meaningful though. With a pastor who encouraged us to fast something (not necessarily food) in order to cultivate a desire for the Lord, I stepped into the week feeling like giving up biking was something I had no choice but to give up for a time... and I had to realize it was not simply for the week, I had to give up my dreams of riding the 19th annual Paris to Ancaster race. Just letting go of something I enjoy, something (like food) that seems needful for life, makes me think back to what Jesus set aside to come and save the likes of you and me. His example of selflessness puts my small attempts of denying self to shame. Slow down, step back from all the ways you try to fill the voids, all the ways of avoiding confrontation with Almighty God. Let His reality shape your reality.
Being at the race, climbing (on foot) the final hill with cyclists struggling alongside to make their tired aching legs push those pedals and make it to the finish, it gave a mingled feeling, one of longing, to be one of them, and one of question...The riders were splattered with mud, soaked from rains and weary beyond measure. Some came in with flat tires and blood on their faces. It was a hard race, and looking at the mud splattered faces it was evident that to each it meant something different, each person experienced it through a lens of their own making.Life is like that, we all go through it, but we experience it in different ways, different perspectives shape the way we will look back on things.Will God be gracious and help us to view life in ways that bring Him glory and bless and encourage others?

I had an exciting opportunity this past weekend to get out and ride on some trails on a friend's cyclo-cross bike. It was like my eyes were opened to something new and wonderful, as well as scary and challenging.To be on a bike I don't know makes me realize I need to get a feel for how it responds to different situations and what I can (or can't) do. It's requiring a measure of courage to try things like hills, muddy trails, cornering, and such, to give myself permission to crash if it means I will become more aware of what I can or can't do.Too many times I caught myself holding on to the brakes in fear rather than just letting go and testing some limits. I don't really want to be that kind of person... the one that is held back from doing things because of fear. There is a call to let go, to surrender, to stop looking to my own understanding. Find myself feeling blessed and yet also struggling limitations. Spent too much time cycling and aggravated my knees, which I feel got a bit messed up from the 30 km of pounding the pavement last weekend. So now I have to stop, to once again, just take it easy.And this the week leading up to Easter, it's almost as if I am being asked to stop, to stop all my attempts to fill the void within and to just feel, to think, to be drawn to the one who made me, who lived for me, and most of all, who died so that I could find in him, True life.I take hope in knowing there will come a day when this will all be but a dream. When all the waiting will find itself satisfied. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VU4HmFbCWjw Will I be able to ride Paris to Ancaster this year? I think it'd be cool, albeit, a bit of an adrenaline pumping dirty ride!

There was many a doubt that I would feel up for today's race. The week leading up to it had me fighting another cold and feeling miserable and tired.But, I have received grace and been enabled to run!! (I thought about writing that on the back of my shirt at one point "I received grace!". Guess the recognition of need makes me all the more open and able to receive grace.I'm thankful God enabled me to feel fit enough to get out and run, to run, all things considered, well.What perfect weather too! Initially when I signed up I had some fears as to what the weather would be like, since some years it's been miserable and rainy... the last thing I want to have to deal with when I run a distance like 30 km. But party cloudy with 8-16 C, suits me just fine. (especially since most of my training was in the negative Celsius.)I keep feeling amazed at the whole experience, glad to be doing it, achieving what I had hoped to be able to do.What more shall I say?The fact that my heartrate was a higher average than when I ran my marathon (and being high meant creating a lot of lactic acid build up in my muscles), that my time per km was 4 seconds faster on average per km (granted there were fewer km to cover, but there were hills to deal with here!). Ah, data, it can be so interesting when it's so personal affecting me.It was insane though, the amount of people running the race! Over 6000 people running is a madhouse. To get over the start line took a full minute and I was somewhere early to mid pack.It's hard to gauge oneself when the adrenaline is flowing. I clocked my time per km so I could gestimate (it ranged from 5 minutes to 5:39 per km. I was a hard run, but I was in race mode and slowing down did not feel like a viable option. The legs started seizing up after about 20 km, and I had to focus on moving past the pain so I could maintain a decent pace. The hills were painful, but I kept running. Had to think of the devil's kitchen hill I did a cycling road race up in New York, that was the hardest thing I've done in regards to hill climbs... so I focused on the fact that pressing on is the best option, and I had survived that, so I could survive this!The last 3 1/2 km were the hardest, just to keep going when everything in me just wanted to be done.But it was a thrill to run into the huge arena at Copps Coliseum and under the timing arch and be done.I was happy with my (chip) time of just under 2:40 minutes.Then I got to remember the difficulty walking down stairs was after racing hard and long. Ouch.An icy cold bath was in order to promote some healing and recovery as unpleasant as the idea sounds.A big thanks goes out to God who enables and gives strength and ability!Also thankful for my brother and his wife who gave me a ride to and from the race (I would've biked... but it would've been hard on the way home for sure!!) and encouraged me :)

I was reflecting lately about some of the ways our life is structured in North America and how it can help or constrain us in different ways. And I was connecting that to various initiatives which are more planet and people-friendly, but noted that sometimes I disagree with what is normally thought of as ‘good’.

I’m against:

1. Subways: I’m not against public transit, but rather hiding people underground while cars get to be above ground. I’m for LRT (light rail transit) which puts people in the city at the right level with pedestrians and bikes. People need to be a part of the city, not burrowing underneath the surface.
2. Tall apartments and sky scrapers: I’m not against high density, but when the scale of things is so much bigger than us, it is overwhelming. I think something like 5-6 stories at maximum would enable us to connect with our built environment and allow for trees and greenery rather than be dwarfed by it.
3. Anything disposable: Single use items, even if they are recyclable (as it costs considerable energy and creates pollution to re-make it). If it’s not reusable, don’t buy it!
4. Commuter trains: Again, not public transit, but rather the idea that you should be able to travel very far distances to work. I am for places where you can live, work, play and learn all in one small area. Infrequent visits to other areas will still happen, but not for our regular daily activities. Why waste and hour or more each way everyday travelling to your workplace and have no connections to it outside of your work.
   • As a sub-category of this, I wonder about school buses. Why are we making children “commute” to school rather than have schools in walking / biking distance? Buses are great places for bullying and meanness, and have very limited supervision (the driver needs to focus on the road!).

I realize it’s been a LONG time since I’ve written anything substantial in this space, and even though I want to write, and I’ve brought myself here, I still feel unable to get my thoughts down. The past months have been busy. Good, for the most part, but still busy. I never knew how busy it [...]

It feels like I am living three distinct lives right now:

1. Work: With my two jobs I am happily working in community development and food access / food security. Here I am planning, organizing, encouraging, networking and thinking big and long term.
2. Home: I am a wife, friend, gardener and member of an intentional community. I am with people, trying to be available for them (finding that hard right now), working on relationships, weeding and making the garden grow.
3. Sailing: I am training and competing for the Olympics. Here I am pushing my body physically, watching my nutrition, and thinking about tactics. I am often on the road and away from home and work. (http://teamgordon.ca)

Each of these places is a facet of me and what I love to do, yet they seem very distinct right now. The overlap does not seem to be strong between them and I think that is why I feel like it is three lives. All three are about relationships with people (I thrive on that), and keeping busy and pushing myself is also good for me. To weave these together best, I need to ensure I have enough re-charge time so that threads don’t become unraveled.

At most times, in most places, I feel very excited about the place I am in. And that’s a great thing!